To New Baby on Her First Birthday

Dear New Baby (also known as Wild Woman, Stinkerpoo, Ladybug or just Miss),

I cannot believe you're a whole year old. I remember discovering I was pregnant with you. It was a sharp contrast to being pregnant with your sister. With you, I watched the stick turn to a plus sign, asked your daddy for confirmation, looked over at your sister and immediately felt guilty for ruining her life. But you didn't ruin it, did you? I am proud of you and Captain Destructo for many things; one of them being that you love each other so much. It makes me so happy to see you shriek at each other, play together, and laugh with delight when you wake each other up in the mornings.

You've been full of energy since before you were born. Though no one believed me, I swear I felt you flutter at 9 weeks. Crazy thumping soon followed. When you were born, you rolled (off the bed, oops!)at 2 months, crawled at 8, cruised at 10, and thankfully are holding off on walking for a bit. You have a mind of your own, too. When I tell you "no," you like to shake your head "no" at me, and then smile as you continue to do what I asked you not to do.

It's funny that I was so excited to be done with the baby stage, and now I'm so sad thinking that it's almost over. Your chubby little belly is starting to shrink now. When I pick you up, you are starting to lurch out of my arms, and you're starting to lose that sweet diaper cream and spit-up scent. Though I'm glad that you sleep through the night now, I will miss having a baby. On your birthday, I will give you your last bottle, and I will probably cry a little as I watch you bang your little fist on my chest and scratch at my nose. I will miss our snuggly times that I know will only get fewer and farther between as you grow. I am so proud of you and the little toddler you're turning into. Don't grow any faster.

I love you,
Mommy

The Thrilling Threes

Captain Destructo is 3! She had a birthday this week, and it was filled with princesses, homemade cupcakes (because I will become Betty Crocker. Oh yes.), and balloons. It's funny that I spent her whole first year dreading her 2nd birthday, and her whole second year going "hey! This terrible two stuff is nothing! I am super mom!"

And then she turned 3.

I started noticing a few subtle changes in her behavior a few weeks ago. She slowly is morphing from sweet little toddler into sassy opinionated preschooler (who is still sweet sometimes) and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Here are my observations about age 3.

"I'm not a baby, not yet a big girl."
3 is sort of this weird place between toddler and preschooler. And therefore I feel it's time to call an end to the baby stuff, like using a pacifier (not that Captain Destructo uses one still. Just this other mom I know. By the way, if anyone could offer tips on getting a 3 year old to lose the binky, just let me, I mean her, know). Also, it feels like 3 is the age when your kid really should be potty trained. 2 is still young, but 3 means time to get trained. No pressure.

Save the drama for yo' mama.
Dear God, the drama. It's like being stuck on a perpetual episode of General Hospital. Here are 2 actual conversations from this morning.

CD: (hysterical screaming)
Me: What?! What's wrong?!
CD: I wanna paint my toenails!!!

CD: NO!!!!! DOLLY WANTS TO SIT IN THE CHAIR, NOT ON THE FLOOR!!!!


Seriously, what is adolescence going to be like at this rate? It's 20 minutes of hysteria followed immediately by giggles of laughter.

I do it myself.
Independence is a good thing. We spend all of babyhood trying to get them to sit up, crawl, eat, and walk on their own. And then they really get independent and we miss the times where they sat quietly in a crib. Captain D is currently the master of getting dressed by herself. The problem is what she picks out, independently, to wear. I used to look at toddlers in the grocery store, dressed in capes and crowns, and wonder who let them out like that. Then Captain D started with the putting on tutus and tiaras and insisting on wearing them in public, and honestly it was just not worth the effort to make her change. I don't love that she wears glass slippers and five necklaces to Target, but that's the least of my worries.


There are lots of good things. The other day she said the most wonderful sentence I've ever heard:
"Mommy, I not want to poop in my underpants anymore." And a beam of sunlight poured from the sky and a choir of angels sang.
The containing of bodily functions is a great part of turning 3. Just like the sweet cuddles, the singing, and the creativity. There are lots of wonderful things about having a 3 year old.

And in just 363 days she'll be 4.

Song Stylings of Captain Destructo

So Captain Destructo is fixing to turn 3. Along with the not so wonderful things to come with this (probably will write a full post on this, but a little preview: the tantrums, the pickiness, the refusal to take naps, the asking of the questions, and the insistence on wearing crown jewels to the grocery store) comes the ability to sing along. We are a singing house, so I love it that Captain D likes to sing along with me. Here are her top 5 hits.

1. Over the river and through the horse, Elmo has to go...Elmo has to go...Elmo has to go-O!

2. Cinderelly, Cinderelly, night and day it's Cinderelly. Do the washer and the cleaner, and every doer things!

3. Mama Miel. Here I go again. Ah ah. How uh I uh missed you.

4. I got da moves like Jack-a. I got the moves like Jack-a. I got the mooooooooves like Jack-a.
*True story: She sang this at the post office and the worker said "wow. Kids just listen to anything nowadays."

5. Jingle Bells, jingle bells, all the way to Bible Class.

Happy Almost New Year!

Happy Almost New Year to all of you! I personally have big plans for New Year's Eve. My hubby is making hot toddies, which means I will be asleep within 10 minutes of finishing said hot toddy, and wake up at midnight cursing all the dang kids setting off the dang fireworks and pray they don't wake up my kids. Should be a good time.

I'm not one for setting New Year's Resolutions. I set the "lose 5 pounds" resolution for about 15 years, and finally just gave up. This year, I have a few things I'd like to work on in 2012, seeing as how I (knock on wood) will not be pregnant or have a newborn and will thus be slightly more functional than I was this year. Here's a quick round up of what I'll be working on.

1. Keep the house somewhat cleanish.
I've been checking out the Fly Lady website (google it, for some reason blogger's hyperlink isn't working. Either that or I'm a moron) and it seems manageable to me. I fear that the solution to my messy house will be getting rid of a lot of toys (grownup and kid) which will probably make me unpopular in 2012.

2. Get dressed every day.
How sad is this? Sometimes I take a shower and put on makeup, and then put sweatpants on. And by sometimes I mean pretty much every day. I rationalize that I'm not going anywhere anyway so what's the point in real clothes? But then when I was at my parents' house I feel all shlumpy hanging out in sweatpants when they were, you know, dressed and whatnot. So I started wearing real clothes and felt so much more human. It was empowering.

3. Not worry so much.
I'm a total spaz worrywart. Literally right now I scratched a mole that was itching, and then I googled "itchy mole" and now I'm pretty sure I'm dying. But most of my worrying is kid-directed. But before I stop worrying, let me run a few things by you and you tell me if they're troubling.
-Captain Destructo still poops in her underpants everyday. Every. Day. And she's going to be 3 in 3 weeks. And also I started potty training her when she was 18 months old. So that's 18 months of me sucking at potty training. Is that bad?
-New Baby won't sign. She can do things like point to her head and shake her head no when asked, but she won't do the sign for more. Instead she just shrieks like a howler monkey when she wants more food. I feel like one of those toy monkeys banging her cymbals together when I'm trying to get her to do it, but she just looks at me and laughs. So I'm thinking she's either (a) completely thinking that I'm a moron and refusing to do it out of spite, or (b) just doesn't get it.
-Seriously, the itchy mole thing. Am I dying?

So that's it, friends. Are you making resolutions this year?

The One With All The Toys

So Christmas is upon us again. And every year, I end up with Charlie Brown-style indignance to the materialism the holiday brings. "Who would spend all that money on inflatable Santas? Do they know how many needy children that could feed?" I scoff, while straightening my angel wings and my halo. I decorate our tree with some candy canes, slap a wreath on the front door and sit on my chair of self-righteousness, proud that I am above all the materialism.

And then it's time to buy the presents.

Here's my thing with toys. I get super excited to buy new toys. Pretty much as excited as my kids are, for about a day, and then they forget about said new toy and I trip on it in the middle of the night and I morph into The Hulk..."RAWR!! WHY DO WE KEEP BUYING ALL THESE TOYS!!" But then I forget how much I hate toys and see something fun and the cycle starts all over again. I have kept most of Captain Destructo's old toys, since New Baby is 2 years behind her and I keep thinking we will reuse all of the toys. But now I have baby toys, early toddler toys, older toddler toys, and Sesame Street toys. Add to that the fact that Captain Destructo is suddenly over Sesame Street and very very into Disney Princesses, and it's like a freaking Toys R Us in here.

Back to Christmas. I love seeing my kids open their presents as much as anyone, but the thought of all those new toys in my house makes me cry a little. As in most aspects of motherhood, I'm torn between teaching my kids humility and simplicity and giving them wonderful Christmas memories. (Although New Baby is only 9 months old. And let's face it, she's just going to eat the wrapping paper.) On one hand, I'm excited to see Captain Destucto open the Princess dolls she wanted. On the other, I know she'd be just as happy looking at the pictures of Princesses in the Toys R Us catalog that she's been carrying around since Thanksgiving. My solution this year is to give all of the old toys away, so that in my mind, it's kind of like I'm not buying more crap for my kids, I'm making a way for us to make a big donation to charity. In a month, Captain Destructo will turn 3 and I'm going to have to deal with all the toys all over again. At which point I'll be reaching for the leftover eggnog and crying into my pillow.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

What Santa Won't Be Bringing Us

Every year, I flip through the Toys R Us catalog and shake my head at the crap that toy designers make every year. I'm not sure who these people are or why they hate parents, but I pledge to not let these horrible toys inside down our chimney. Here's a few gems from this year.

1. Monster High Dolls
Someone please explain these to me. Barbie for the goth crowd? Slutty zombies? I myself am getting a little sick of the vampire/werewolf/dead thing trend. I certainly don't need it for my toddler.

2. Moon Dough
Everytime I let Captain Destructo play with Play Doh, and I find it encrusted in our carpet 2 days later, I think to myself, "wow, I wish there was a messier version of this! Thanks , Moon Dough!" Yeah. No thanks.

3. Baby Dolls that make sounds and/or excrete things
True story. I walked down the baby doll aisle at Target and it scared the bejeezus out of me. One step set off an entire aisle of (very lifelike sounding) crying. Several dolls actually REQUIRE YOU TO CHANGE THEIR DIAPERS. For real.

4. Bratz
Ok, I have to know who is buying these things. I cannot find one redeeming quality. The dolls are dressed like tiny hookers (why all the corsets? Why?), have snotty expressions that make me want to slap them, encourage girls to be brats, and are spelled with an unnecessary z (I hatez when people do that).

5. Let's Rock Elmo
Sesame Street, why do you hate me? I watch your show everyday; I own a mess of DVDs, 2 Abby Cadabbys, an Ernie, a Zoe, 2 Grovers and a Prairie Dawn. I also own not 1, not 2, but 8 Elmos. Yet you continue to make Elmo toys louder and more annoying. This one plays a drum and sings in that Elmo voice. You know the one that haunts you in your sleep. Also costs $55 and will require more and more accessories, including but not limited to a Let's Rock Elmo T-shirt. And, since my children think they live on Sesame Street (when going to the grocery store Captain D says we're going to Hooper's Store), I'm sure someone in my family will buy one for us. Maybe Santa will bring me earplugs?

Hopefully Santa will oblige my requests. What toys are on your naughty list this year?

Trials in Toddlerhood, Current Events Edition

First for some awesome news: New Baby sleeps now! In case you wondered, I read Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West, which helped me get her on a nap schedule. This helped her sleep better at night, and then I stopped picking her up when she cried at night. We're on night 4 of 12 hours of straight sleep. Yay! Thanks for all the great advice!

Well since I am no longer sleep deprived, I can now do exciting things like read articles without falling asleep midway through and watch the news. And it's a good week to start paying attention to current events, because wow is there a lot to talk about this week.

I turned on The Today Show a few days ago and they teased that the Duggar family was going to be on with an announcement. No way, I thought to myself. No way can she be knocked up again. But as you know by now, yup! It's true. And I've read a lot from people that hate the Duggars, and people that love the Duggars, and here's how I feel. No one would give a crap if they didn't have a reality show (why do they have a reality show again?). You want to have 20 kids? As long as my tax dollars aren't paying for it, have 30. From what I've seen of the show, I feel like the Duggars are pretty decent parents. They love each other, they love their kids, they love perming their hair and wearing ugly clothes. In the world of reality show parents, they rank pretty high. Way above the Gosselins and any mom from 16 and Pregnant. I personally find it odd and off-putting that their kids are on a reality show, but whatever. As a former reality star myself, I can excuse that.

All my "aren't the Duggars crazy" thoughts were put on the back burner once news of the Penn State sex scandal broke. Surely you've read about it, but if you haven't read this article yet, I highly encourage you to. If you have a strong stomach and no tendency for nightmares, I encourage you to read the grand jury report. I am shocked and disgusted that people are defending Joe Paterno. Unless I'm missing something, the synopsis of what happened is this: Penn State football brings in lots of money, assistant coach helps bring in money. Assistant coach is a pedophile, knowledge of this causes school to lose money, so everyone who knows keeps quiet to ensure that said money will continue to come in. A TA saw a 10 year old boy being sodomized, sat on the knowledge for a day, then told Paterno, who also sat on the knowledge for a day. Paterno told the Athletic Director, saw that the Athletic Director did nothing, saw that the police were never called, saw that Sandusky was continuing to be around his football program, and did nothing. He sat back and let almost a dozen boys get molested. I can't wrap my mind around a society that values football over the innocence and safety of children. It reminds me a lot of this story.

I picked a sad week to pay attention to the news.