Things Not to Say to a Mama, Traveling Edition

Well, it's summer vacation now. As previously mentioned, "vacation" has a completely different meaning for parents of small children. Captain Destructo, New Baby and I recently had to fly a leg of our trip by ourselves when my husband went to Germany (for work. Although I wouldn't blame him if he was just fleeing the country). As you can imagine, this was completely horrific and terrifying. Both kids had been up since 4:30 AM to catch a flight and both were in various states of meltdown by the time we took off. I was sandwiched between an older man with a clear disdain for children and a crying Captain Destructo, while nursing New Baby about 75 times to get her to stop crying. Good times. As you may expect, I was the recipient of a variety of comments during the flights and during the stay in Maryland with my family. (Um, by the way? Maryland is the hottest place in the history of ever right now. That is all.) Here is a sample.

-"You're not a bad mom. Sometimes babies just can't clear their ears in the air."
Well, I appreciate the thought behind that statement, but now I feel like a bad mom.

-"I pee pee in the chair!"
This was said by Captain Destructo at around 30,000 feet in the air. As you can imagine, potty training is going great.

-"You know how I got her to stop crying? I dipped her pacifier in that lemonade. Worked for my kids."
A member of my family told me this. I won't say who so I don't completely slander her. Also, does anyone know if 4 month olds can drink lemonade?

-"Sorry, ma'am, families with kids can't pre-board."
No problem. I'll just make the entire plane wait while I lumber down the walkway, put New Baby in her carrier, take Captain Destructo out of the stroller, take 5 minutes trying to figure out how to fold the stroller, then carry the baby, the toddler, a diaper bag and an Abby Cadabby backpack down the aisle of the plane. You have a good day too.

-(Sound of a giant toot followed by a baby giggling. Repeat 3 times in 2 hour flight. )
You know what's slightly difficult? Changing a gross diaper in a tiny airplane bathroom with no changing table. Even more difficult? Repeating it 3 times. In 2 hours.


I love seeing my family, but you know what they say. There's no place like home, with it's abundance of changing tables and beds for each child.

Observations from the Neighborhood Pool

We're pretty thick in the middle of summer now, and it's freaking hot here. When not laying over the air conditioned vents in the house, we're seeking out pools in any form. We actually belong to 2 pools-one is the free (well, if you define free by ridiculously high home owner association fees) neighborhood pool, and one is the super-nice, fancy-shmancy pool at the gym. During the week I am way more likely to go to the neighborhood pool, since it's right down the road. It also has a huge wading pool section that keeps Captain Destructo occupied and less likely to attempt to drown herself. I always have snarky comments in my head for the other pool goers, but since they are my neighbors I tend to keep them to myself. But since I don't think they read my blog, here's what I would like to say to the people at the pool.

"Hey, teenagers in the corner who are so excited about whatever's in that Bill Miller sweet tea mug? You're not fooling anyone. Also, please stop making out in front of my 2 year old. I'd like to postpone that conversation for about 10 years."

"If you have to say to yourself, 'is the swimsuit inapropriate for my age/body type?' The answer is almost always yes."

"Dear God, parents, calm the heck down. Stop yelling 'be careful' at your kid. He is 4 feet tall and playing in 12 inches of water."

"See this smile on my face? It's fake. If you don't give my daughter her toy back, kid, I'm going to take your goggles. Sweetie pie."

"Yes, this is a baby. Yes, she's super cute. If you don't get your germ-encrusted fingers out of her face, Mama's gonna lose it."

"Here are some reasons your kid is a total spaz: that 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew and supersize bag of Cheetos you brought to the pool. And also I know who to blame for the technicolor puke in the parking lot on the way out."

"Hey there, older man hanging out in the baby pool area with no kids? You're giving me the heebie jeebies. I know Tae Bo. Best to find a new lounge chair."


"I know I pretended to smile and said 'that's ok!' when your kid jumped in right next to me and splashed me and New Baby, but I didn't mean it. It's a huge pool. Splash somewhere else."

"Yes, I just saw Captain Destructo pee in the pool too. Yes, I also just threw up in my mouth a little. However, let's not pretend that the ratio of this baby pool is any less that 50% kid pee."

Sigh. Is it winter yet?