Sunday, July 3, 2011
Observations from the Neighborhood Pool
We're pretty thick in the middle of summer now, and it's freaking hot here. When not laying over the air conditioned vents in the house, we're seeking out pools in any form. We actually belong to 2 pools-one is the free (well, if you define free by ridiculously high home owner association fees) neighborhood pool, and one is the super-nice, fancy-shmancy pool at the gym. During the week I am way more likely to go to the neighborhood pool, since it's right down the road. It also has a huge wading pool section that keeps Captain Destructo occupied and less likely to attempt to drown herself. I always have snarky comments in my head for the other pool goers, but since they are my neighbors I tend to keep them to myself. But since I don't think they read my blog, here's what I would like to say to the people at the pool.
"Hey, teenagers in the corner who are so excited about whatever's in that Bill Miller sweet tea mug? You're not fooling anyone. Also, please stop making out in front of my 2 year old. I'd like to postpone that conversation for about 10 years."
"If you have to say to yourself, 'is the swimsuit inapropriate for my age/body type?' The answer is almost always yes."
"Dear God, parents, calm the heck down. Stop yelling 'be careful' at your kid. He is 4 feet tall and playing in 12 inches of water."
"See this smile on my face? It's fake. If you don't give my daughter her toy back, kid, I'm going to take your goggles. Sweetie pie."
"Yes, this is a baby. Yes, she's super cute. If you don't get your germ-encrusted fingers out of her face, Mama's gonna lose it."
"Here are some reasons your kid is a total spaz: that 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew and supersize bag of Cheetos you brought to the pool. And also I know who to blame for the technicolor puke in the parking lot on the way out."
"Hey there, older man hanging out in the baby pool area with no kids? You're giving me the heebie jeebies. I know Tae Bo. Best to find a new lounge chair."
"I know I pretended to smile and said 'that's ok!' when your kid jumped in right next to me and splashed me and New Baby, but I didn't mean it. It's a huge pool. Splash somewhere else."
"Yes, I just saw Captain Destructo pee in the pool too. Yes, I also just threw up in my mouth a little. However, let's not pretend that the ratio of this baby pool is any less that 50% kid pee."
Sigh. Is it winter yet?