My Baby is Two and Other Terrifying Thoughts

Today is Captain Destructo's 2nd birthday! I'm not sure how excited she will be, as everytime I tell her it's her birthday she says "wear hat? Sing? Birthday cake?" And her actual party isn't until next week because I was too organized to get it together enough to do it before her birthday, and also because I can't find my cake decorating kit to make her a cake yet, she may be a little let down. I'm hoping the bouncy house we got her is enough to make her forget about that for a day. Captain Destructo has learned so many things over the past 2 years, especially the past few months. Here are some of the truly terrifying and exciting things she can do.

-Get herself a cup of water.
If you don't have a two year old who can reach the water feature on the fridge, let me illustrate how this goes. She finds a cup and shakes it onto the floor to remove whatever liquid is already in there. She then toddles to the fridge and fills the cup to the brim. She takes one sip, and pours the rest onto the floor. Then, when running back to the fridge to refill the cup, she slips in the puddle on the floor and begins screaming. Ever wonder why some fridges have a lock button on the water feature? This is why.

-Speak in complete sentences
I do appreciate the fact that Captain D. can communicate with me in a way that doesn't involve crying (or at least involves less crying). However, many of her sentences go like this:
"No, Mama. Itsa mine." OR
"Mama, yook! Theresa pee pee on da floor!"

-Mimic her daddy and I
This is a stinking cute habit, I will say. She likes to sit on the couch next to her daddy with her hands behind her head like him. She also rubs her belly and says "My baby is ITCHY!" like I do. However, she is also beginning to mimic less-than-flattering habits, like the scenario below.
Me: Time for a bath!
C.D.: Crap.
The further implications of this habit are frightening.

-Play doctor
Thanks to the episode of Sesame Street where Elmo goes to the doctor, Captain Destructo is fairly aware of what goes on at the doctor's office and is way less afraid of going (see? TV is good!). She also likes to play doctor at home with herself. She'll say "check your ears? Check your eyes?" while poking into her various orifices. She also likes to use headphones and pretend they're a stethoscope (although, weirdly, she pokes them into her belly button instead of her heart. Whatever.) But you can imagine why this particular habit is troublesome. Doesn't everyone have a story that begins "we were playing doctor and...."? Hopefully I can encourage her to stop with the poking into orifices before she starts playing with other kids.

It has been a wild and crazy two years and I'm excited yet terrified to see what else time brings. Happy birthday Captain Destructo! I love you and am so proud of you!

Toddler Dictionary

Captain Destructo is about to turn 2, and has accrued quite a vocabulary over the past 2 years. Here are some her many words and translations.

Shooker, Melmo, and Bee Bird (n): 3 characters on the popular children's TV series Sesame Street. One is blue and occasionally dresses as a superhero, one is red and furry, and one is large, yellow, and a little effeminate.

Keys (n): Dairy product that tops pizza. Most desirable in string form. Also what you yell when someone takes your picture.

Yook (v): What you use your eyes to do. Must be yelled approximately 20,000 times a day, as in "Mama, yook!"

Papple (n): Native fruit of Hawaii. When found in plastic kitchen set form, is oddly green.

Weedabook (v): Processing of sounding out letters and words out loud. Also must be yelled a high number of times a day while shoving a book into Mama's face: "Mama, weedabook!"

Want, too, free (n): How you count toys, books, highway signs, food products, etc. Counting begins with want and ends with "...ten, yeven!"

Moosie (n): The DVD that Mama pops in so she can (a) shower, or (b) check Facebook. Elmo moosies are the most popular.

Holju (v): Command given to Mama when you want to be picked up. Usually yelled, as in "Mama holju!"

No: Most important word in all vocabulary. Used to express feelings about eating, taking a nap, going outside, going inside, taking a bath, and stopping whatever dangerous activity is currently going on.

Wuvoo (v): Phrase to express how you feel about Mama and Daddy. High on the list of my favorite words, especially when followed by a big slobbery kiss.

Prenatal Lies

I'm nearing the home stretch of this pregnancy now, a fact that excites and terrifies me. In about 7 weeks I'll have another baby, but I'll also have ANOTHER BABY. In some ways it's good because I know what to expect, but also I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. Know what I mean? Instead of that blissful ignorance that came with the first one, I know what I'm getting into. But I digress. I've realized over these 2 pregnancies that many things the pregnancy books have told me are big fat lies. Here are some such lies.

Lie #1: Your hair will get thick and lustrous.
Ok, I will concede that it's possible my hair is thicker and more lustrous. It's just in a scrappy ponytail most times so I haven't noticed. But I definitely do not look like a Pantene commercial.

Lie #2: Your skin will be glowing.
Let's define "glowing," shall we? If "glowing" means covered in more pimples than a high school band, then sure, I'm glowing. Somehow I pictured "glowing" to be a little more glamorous then I currently am. For the record? The Proactiv commercial makers are a bunch of liars too. As are the makers of most acne products who claim that their product actually eliminates acne.

Lie #3: Exercising will keep your weight gain to the recommended 25-30 pounds
I have sacrificed my dignity this pregnancy and continued to go to the gym most days. I am still taking kickboxing, spin classes and a class called Total Conditioning which involves plyometrics, weight lifting and cardio. I will give you a minute to picture how graceful a 8 1/2 month pregnant woman looks in these classes. This is a stark contrast to my first pregnancy, where walking to the refrigerator was most of my cardio. And yet? I'm on track to gain the same amount of weight. What's up with that, metabolism?

Lie #4: You only need an extra 200 calories a day
Maybe YOU only need an extra 200 calories a day, skinny woman who writes What to Expect, but I'm freaking starving over here. I am dreaming about french fries and hamburgers. I finish lunch and start thinking about dinner immediately. What can I say? Maybe my baby is a future Michael Phelps and is carbo-loading in utero.

Seven weeks to go. I can only imagine what other lies I'll learn about...I do still have labor to go through. Until then, if anyone needs me, I'll be eating my second dinner and reapplying the Clearasil.