Last night was one of those nights again. New Baby played the "I look sound asleep until you lay me down and then I'll wake up screaming as soon as you get to your bed" game from 10 PM-7 AM (at which point she fell asleep on her own.....right as Captain Destructo woke up. Super.). My husband is gone again and I was about 30 seconds from losing it. I was ready to text him and tell him to get on the next flight home until I thought about where he was.
Our former pastor lost his 24 year old son last week, and my husband was at the viewing. He told me that the boy's mother just stood by the casket and stroked her son's hair the whole time. Last night, in my self-pity, I thought about that poor mother. What she wouldn't give for one more sleepless night, one more late night nursing session, or one more 3 AM diaper change. I began to feel awful for being upset about such a trivial thing. Then I started thinking about this family and this mom, both friends of friends who lost their children to cancer. I was overcome by both sorrow and joy. Sorrow at my sinful, selfish ways and joy at how blessed I am.
I've been trying to memorize Matthew 6:25 (I am awful at Bible memorization....yet I know the lyrics to 3 Ke$ha songs...how terrible am I!). It says, in effect, do not worry about what you will eat or wear. Your life is more than food and your body is more than clothing. I am inferring that Jesus is talking about sleep too. God knows what I need and will never give me more than I can handle, and yet I have to realize how inconsequential being tired is in the grand scheme of my life. Last night, around 3 AM I was checking Facebook while feeding New Baby for the 476th time and saw that my sister-in-law had posted Phillipians 4:6-"Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything." That was such a comfort to me. I am trying hard to stop worrying about when/if New Baby gets into a sleep schedule. That doesn't mean I'm not spending the hours of 1-5 AM begging God to just let me have an hour of sleep, but I am working on just enjoying the time with my sweet girl.
When I was in college I did pretty horrible things to my body. After I got married and started thinking about kids, I was pretty much convinced I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. And yet God knew the cries of my heart and gave me 2 beautiful, healthy girls (I always wanted girls). In the middle of the night tonight, in the middle of my struggles and frustrations, I'm going to try and remember that every sleepless minute, every stretch mark and dark circle under the eyes, and every puke stain I have is such an enormous blessing of which I'm so completely unworthy.