Sunday, April 10, 2011
You Can't Make This Stuff Up
I know I said I was going to be grateful for my children and not complain. So this isn't a complaint. It's just a statement of facts with a sarcastic undertone. All of the following took place on the same afternoon. True story.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
An important part of this story is that I started doing the Insanity workouts. If you've never heard of them, basically they're by the same company as P90X, but instead of a buff middle aged white guy who says "bring it" over and over again, Insanity is taught by a huge tattooed black guy who refers to himself in the third person. It's a great workout. I like it because it's only 40 minutes long, less if you skip the stretches like I do and even less if you stand there saying "are you freaking kidding me?!" which results in skipping some exercises. Particularly since I am postpartumish, I am typically a sweaty mess at the end. I have been trying to do the workouts during naptime. On this particular day, New Baby was having some issues falling asleep. I was holding her and she was almost asleep when I heard Captain Destructo in her say something about her diaper. I didn't want to move New Baby because getting her to sleep usually involves bouncing, singing, rocking, and occasionally the use of chants and Indian prayer rituals.
So finally New Baby falls asleep and I complete the workout, albeit in 10 minute spurts to replace New Baby's pacifier. At this point, Captain Destructo's naptime is almost over and she is still awake, so I decide to cut my losses and just get her up. As I go into her room, she stands up in bed and says "Mommy, change the sheeps. The bed alll wet." I suddenly remember her mentioning her diaper and discover that, yep, she took her diaper off in her crib and peed EVERYWHERE. Books, blankets, stuffed Elmos, all urine-soaked. New Baby is screaming her fool head off by now, but I put her down and change the "sheeps" as well as Captain Destructo, whose hair is wet but I try not to think about that.
Because I have just finished a workout and am disgusting, I turn on my shower and put an Elmo DVD on in my bedroom so I can clean up. New Baby starts screaming yet again, so I sit down to feed her quickly before my shower. When I finish I head into my room to find Captain Destructo sitting on my bathroom floor, painting the tile with my eye shadow brush and my brand new foundation. Upon closer inspection, I realize she appears several shades darker. In fact, she is covered in foundation.
I'm talking in her ears, between her toes, caked in her hair. Suppressing the urge to burst into tears, I strip her down and start to turn on the water in my bath tub. I notice a strange shape in the corner of the tub. Could it be? Oh, of course. For the first time in our 5 years in Texas, we have become home to a huge, ginormous scorpion.
One hour later, the scorpion had been flushed, everyone was clean-ish, and Elmo was back on. And that, my friends, is the story of why I never, ever forget my birth control pill.