My Secret Talents

Life with one toddler was pretty hectic. Life with one toddler and one newborn is pretty much off the chain crazy. But in the midst of the craziness, I have discovered that I possess secret talents that have been laying dormant, just waiting for me to have 2 small children to be put to good use. Here are just a few.

1. Translating Toddler-ease
I can't tell you how many times my husband has said "what'd she say?" to me. My translation talents, rivaling those of a United Nations translator, have peaked these past few months as Captain Destructo has been speaking more. "Mommy, watch Elmo Potty an' jumpy on da bed?" is her obvious desire to watch Elmo's Potty Time while jumping on the bed, and "Holju Miss Mouse!" means she wants to hold her sister's Minnie Mouse. Duh.

2. Moving at warp speed
The other day, between the hours of 6:30 and 8:30 AM, I nursed the baby twice, did and Insanity workout, pumped 2 ounces of milk, made breakfast, cleaned up breakfast, swept and mopped the floor, and attempted to wake up my husband approximately 37 times. Apparently I am related to The Flash.

3. Supernatural Ability to Ignore Crying
New Baby hates the car with the fury of a thousand suns. Hates it. Screams like a wild banshee the entire time we are in there. Sadly for her, there's not a whole lot I can do for her while we're in there. I attempt to reach back and replace her pacifier and occasionally shake the carseat and say "shhhhhh" about 30,000 times, but that's about it. I've learned to just tune it out. The other day we got to Target and I was surprised to see her crying when I got her out of the car. Turns out she'd been crying the whole time. Oops.

4. Freakish Strength
I have been running lately while pushing the double stroller. This means a 35 lb toddler, a 11 lb baby, a 20 lb stroller, 10 lb carseat, and however much 6 books, a sippy cup, peanut butter crackers and a bunch of pacifiers weigh. I also occasionally carry both kids at the same time. I am still a flabby mess so don't be too impressed.

5. Superhuman ability to go without sleep.
Just like all of you, I get far less sleep than I want but am doing alright. If by "alright" you mean tripping over toys, craving coffee and daydreaming about big beds, hammocks, and pillows. Sidenote: I read that not only do you need 8 hours of sleep, you need 8 hours of sleep IN A ROW to be functioning optimally. I ask you, when is the last time you got 8 hours of sleep in a row? I think for me it was sometime in 2005.

Next week I'll write about all my epic fails. Now I'm off to save another day!

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

I know I said I was going to be grateful for my children and not complain. So this isn't a complaint. It's just a statement of facts with a sarcastic undertone. All of the following took place on the same afternoon. True story.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

An important part of this story is that I started doing the Insanity workouts. If you've never heard of them, basically they're by the same company as P90X, but instead of a buff middle aged white guy who says "bring it" over and over again, Insanity is taught by a huge tattooed black guy who refers to himself in the third person. It's a great workout. I like it because it's only 40 minutes long, less if you skip the stretches like I do and even less if you stand there saying "are you freaking kidding me?!" which results in skipping some exercises. Particularly since I am postpartumish, I am typically a sweaty mess at the end. I have been trying to do the workouts during naptime. On this particular day, New Baby was having some issues falling asleep. I was holding her and she was almost asleep when I heard Captain Destructo in her say something about her diaper. I didn't want to move New Baby because getting her to sleep usually involves bouncing, singing, rocking, and occasionally the use of chants and Indian prayer rituals.

So finally New Baby falls asleep and I complete the workout, albeit in 10 minute spurts to replace New Baby's pacifier. At this point, Captain Destructo's naptime is almost over and she is still awake, so I decide to cut my losses and just get her up. As I go into her room, she stands up in bed and says "Mommy, change the sheeps. The bed alll wet." I suddenly remember her mentioning her diaper and discover that, yep, she took her diaper off in her crib and peed EVERYWHERE. Books, blankets, stuffed Elmos, all urine-soaked. New Baby is screaming her fool head off by now, but I put her down and change the "sheeps" as well as Captain Destructo, whose hair is wet but I try not to think about that.

Because I have just finished a workout and am disgusting, I turn on my shower and put an Elmo DVD on in my bedroom so I can clean up. New Baby starts screaming yet again, so I sit down to feed her quickly before my shower. When I finish I head into my room to find Captain Destructo sitting on my bathroom floor, painting the tile with my eye shadow brush and my brand new foundation. Upon closer inspection, I realize she appears several shades darker. In fact, she is covered in foundation.
I'm talking in her ears, between her toes, caked in her hair. Suppressing the urge to burst into tears, I strip her down and start to turn on the water in my bath tub. I notice a strange shape in the corner of the tub. Could it be? Oh, of course. For the first time in our 5 years in Texas, we have become home to a huge, ginormous scorpion.

One hour later, the scorpion had been flushed, everyone was clean-ish, and Elmo was back on. And that, my friends, is the story of why I never, ever forget my birth control pill.

Blessings

Last night was one of those nights again. New Baby played the "I look sound asleep until you lay me down and then I'll wake up screaming as soon as you get to your bed" game from 10 PM-7 AM (at which point she fell asleep on her own.....right as Captain Destructo woke up. Super.). My husband is gone again and I was about 30 seconds from losing it. I was ready to text him and tell him to get on the next flight home until I thought about where he was.

Our former pastor lost his 24 year old son last week, and my husband was at the viewing. He told me that the boy's mother just stood by the casket and stroked her son's hair the whole time. Last night, in my self-pity, I thought about that poor mother. What she wouldn't give for one more sleepless night, one more late night nursing session, or one more 3 AM diaper change. I began to feel awful for being upset about such a trivial thing. Then I started thinking about this family and this mom, both friends of friends who lost their children to cancer. I was overcome by both sorrow and joy. Sorrow at my sinful, selfish ways and joy at how blessed I am.

I've been trying to memorize Matthew 6:25 (I am awful at Bible memorization....yet I know the lyrics to 3 Ke$ha songs...how terrible am I!). It says, in effect, do not worry about what you will eat or wear. Your life is more than food and your body is more than clothing. I am inferring that Jesus is talking about sleep too. God knows what I need and will never give me more than I can handle, and yet I have to realize how inconsequential being tired is in the grand scheme of my life. Last night, around 3 AM I was checking Facebook while feeding New Baby for the 476th time and saw that my sister-in-law had posted Phillipians 4:6-"Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything." That was such a comfort to me. I am trying hard to stop worrying about when/if New Baby gets into a sleep schedule. That doesn't mean I'm not spending the hours of 1-5 AM begging God to just let me have an hour of sleep, but I am working on just enjoying the time with my sweet girl.

When I was in college I did pretty horrible things to my body. After I got married and started thinking about kids, I was pretty much convinced I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. And yet God knew the cries of my heart and gave me 2 beautiful, healthy girls (I always wanted girls). In the middle of the night tonight, in the middle of my struggles and frustrations, I'm going to try and remember that every sleepless minute, every stretch mark and dark circle under the eyes, and every puke stain I have is such an enormous blessing of which I'm so completely unworthy.

Never Would I Ever...

When I was in high school, I was introduced to the awesome game "Never Have I Ever...". If you've never played, basically someone says something they've never done and if you have done it, you take a drink. Well, this is the parent version. These are things I swore I'd never do before having kids, but now do. If you do them too, take a drink of your morning coffee with me!

1. Have a house that looks like Toys R Us.
Totally guilty here. Here is my awesome justification-if I have to eat plastic kitchen food and put diapers on Elmo all day, I'd rather do it in the living room where at least I can sit on my couch or grab a snack. However, no matter the http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifjustification, I always have second thoughts about that position when I trip over a plastic pineapple at 3 AM when I am going to get the baby.

2. Jabber incessantly about my kids.
Ever see the movie Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character talks about word vomit? When you don't mean to keep talking but the words keep coming up? Yeah, that's me. My conversations all begin normally, and when I talk to people without kids I always try to censor what I say because I do realize that they don't care that New Baby slept for 4 hours IN HER BED last night or that Captain Destructo calls Minnie Mouse "Missy Mouse." But yet, it keeps coming up. This is also related to Facebook posts, where I'm sure 99% of what I post is kid related. As long as I don't end up on this website, I'm okay with that.

3. Wipe my kid's nose on my shirt.
Totally guilty here. I also use my shirt to wipe up New Baby's spit up when I can't find a burp rag, and also do the spit-on-my-hand, wipe-the-face thing when we are out and Captain Destructo's face is dirty. Yeah, I'm totally gross.

4. Let my kid eat junk.
How hard is it to give your kids a piece of fruit, pre-children me asked? Turns out, sometimes giving them a cookie is way easier. Yes, my (mostly) breastfed, homeade organic baby food eating toddler now knows that the grocery store is where we get a cookie, Starbucks is where we get a cake pop (try these by the way! Sooo yummy!), and the only reason to sit on the potty is to get a Hershey's kiss. Yay, me.

5. Look like a mom.
Not that I was super fashionable before, but I had my standards. As it turns out, a newborn and a 2 year old aren't the best shopping companions, and since I'm at Target 5 days a week anyway, I'm buying my clothes there. Also, my body is, umm...less then ideal at the moment. Therefore you will see me in giant mom jeans and a T shirt that is baggy enough to cover my muffin top. I am wearing New Baby in a Moby wrap and hoping people look at her more than me a lot lately.

Did you finish your coffee yet? Feel free to add yours!