It seems like every year, I get less excited about what I will get for Christmas and more excited to see how Captain Destructo reacts to her new toys. But if Babies R Us came out with the following products, I would be whipping out the Advent calendar and counting down the days like a 5 year old. Here's what I would like for Christmas, Santa.
1. A see-through uterus
OK, I know this sounds gross, but every pregnancy (all 2 of them) I go through a complete, paranoid spaz-fest when I haven't felt the baby move and am convinced that something horrible happened. This year I even spent all Thanksgiving morning laying on my left side and jabbing at my belly to wake him/her up (all is fine). A see-through uterus would let me see that everything is fine and baby is just sleeping, or facing backwards or whatever. Side note: at Virginia Tech they have cows with see-through stomachs. So I feel that the technology is not too far from the see-through uterus. Just saying.
2. A wet nurse
Because really? I kind of hate breastfeeding. However, if I don't nurse this one as long as I did M, and this one turns out to be less cute/smart/generally awesome, I will be convinced that it was because of breastfeeding. And with a wet nurse I could spend those chaotic first nights nursing a glass of wine instead of a baby.
3. Anti-colic device
I have no actual experience with colic, besides allegedly having it myself, but it scares the bejeezus out of me. Since Captain Destructo didn't have it, I feel that my chances of this baby or a future baby having it are increased. If an anti-colic device existed (I'm picturing some sort of magic pill, not a shock collar or anything awful), my fears would be lessened.
4. A personal trainer/free gym membership/magic baby fat loser pill
As much as I loved showing off Captain Destructo after she was born, I didn't so much love wearing maternity pants until she was 3 months old, having more than one chin, and hearing "you look so good for someone who just had a baby." Because really that means "wow, you look awful for a normal person."
5. Live in pediatrician
Sometimes I think one of the hardest parts of being a mother is deciding if your kid is really sick or not. Once I was convinced Captain Destructo just had a little cough. 6 weeks later the doctor determined it was bronchitis caused by RSV. Whoops. I have also been convinced that she is so fussy she obviously has some sort of ear infection, brought her to the disgustingly germy doctor's office where she was probed and prodded, and found out she was fine. $15 in copays and 1 week later, she got sick from being in the office. Whoops again. Live in pediatrician would determine whether she actually was sick, and then spare me from exposing her to even more germs in the office.
So, Santa, I've been what some consider good this year. If you could squeeze a few of these in your bag, my kid and I would be much obliged.
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