Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman

I've read about a million of these kind of stories, and I'm happy to report that so far, no one has asked me how much weight I've gained (do people really ask that? Who does that?), if I'm sure I'm not having twins, or whether or not I'm going to breastfeed. However, I have accrued quite a few little gems over the past few weeks that I'd like to share. Public service announcement: don't say anything of the following either:

1. "We think there's something wrong with your placenta, so you should be extra vigilant about the baby's movements."
Not sure if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm a little paranoid during pregnancy. So much so that my husband volunteered to give himself a vasectomy today so he didn't have to hear me worry anymore. So when my doctor said the above statement, I. Freaked. Out. Today, I didn't feel movements for a few hours, so, in hysterical tears, called my OB and went for a non-stress test. Not sure how "non-stressful" the test was, as I had my almost 2 year old with me and had to keep jumping up to keep her from eating the ultrasound gel.
By the way? Baby moved a million times as soon as I got to the doctor's office. Good times.

2. "Yucky." (pointing to a zit on my chin)
Well, darling, Mommy is covered in pimples at the moments because her hormones apparently hate being pregnant and so make her as unattractive as possible, so as to prevent Daddy from ever putting her in this predicament again. Do me a solid and don't point out my stretch marks or cankles. Since you are (a) one and (b) adorable, I will cut you some slack. However.....


3. "Honey, did you remember to pack your Proactiv?"

...when asked by your father is less cute.
Yes, dear, I did. However, you may be disappointed to learn that not only did it not clear up my acne, but it didn't give me boobs like the spokespeople either (thanks, Katy Perry).

4. I got this comment today in response to this post:
I don't know what you're talking about. I have a child, he's two and a half, and I look the same as I did before I had him! Actually, a little better because my breasts are bigger. They look great against my petite frame. My stomache is still tight as ever, no stretch marks, everything is the same! And I take care of myself well. I look good :)

Everything doesn't go to crap after motherhood. Don't use that as an excuse.
I know tons of beautiful mothers of multiple children that look astounding.
You let yourself go.


Wow. (insert slow, sarcastic clapping)
I've composed a reply many, many times in my head, but instead I will just applaud you, random stranger who posts nasty comments, for being such an awesome role model and benchmark for us lazy, no-good moms whose breasts are smaller and thighs are bigger. I hope one day we too can acquire your rockin' bod. And hopefully your manners and sense of humility as well. Thank you for your insight and inspiration.

5. "You shouldn't do those jumping jacks unless you want your baby to come sliding out/ Don't have your baby in spin class"
While I appreciate the concern of my fellow gym goers, rest assured that I have no intention of giving birth in the gym in any class. Also, contrary to what you may have heard, jumping jacks do not cause your baby to come sliding out. Though I wish they did...I'd be jumping jacking up a storm in about 11 weeks.

As my belly gets fatter, my patience seems to get thinner. I wish it was the other way around.