My Baby is Two and Other Terrifying Thoughts

Today is Captain Destructo's 2nd birthday! I'm not sure how excited she will be, as everytime I tell her it's her birthday she says "wear hat? Sing? Birthday cake?" And her actual party isn't until next week because I was too organized to get it together enough to do it before her birthday, and also because I can't find my cake decorating kit to make her a cake yet, she may be a little let down. I'm hoping the bouncy house we got her is enough to make her forget about that for a day. Captain Destructo has learned so many things over the past 2 years, especially the past few months. Here are some of the truly terrifying and exciting things she can do.

-Get herself a cup of water.
If you don't have a two year old who can reach the water feature on the fridge, let me illustrate how this goes. She finds a cup and shakes it onto the floor to remove whatever liquid is already in there. She then toddles to the fridge and fills the cup to the brim. She takes one sip, and pours the rest onto the floor. Then, when running back to the fridge to refill the cup, she slips in the puddle on the floor and begins screaming. Ever wonder why some fridges have a lock button on the water feature? This is why.

-Speak in complete sentences
I do appreciate the fact that Captain D. can communicate with me in a way that doesn't involve crying (or at least involves less crying). However, many of her sentences go like this:
"No, Mama. Itsa mine." OR
"Mama, yook! Theresa pee pee on da floor!"

-Mimic her daddy and I
This is a stinking cute habit, I will say. She likes to sit on the couch next to her daddy with her hands behind her head like him. She also rubs her belly and says "My baby is ITCHY!" like I do. However, she is also beginning to mimic less-than-flattering habits, like the scenario below.
Me: Time for a bath!
C.D.: Crap.
The further implications of this habit are frightening.

-Play doctor
Thanks to the episode of Sesame Street where Elmo goes to the doctor, Captain Destructo is fairly aware of what goes on at the doctor's office and is way less afraid of going (see? TV is good!). She also likes to play doctor at home with herself. She'll say "check your ears? Check your eyes?" while poking into her various orifices. She also likes to use headphones and pretend they're a stethoscope (although, weirdly, she pokes them into her belly button instead of her heart. Whatever.) But you can imagine why this particular habit is troublesome. Doesn't everyone have a story that begins "we were playing doctor and...."? Hopefully I can encourage her to stop with the poking into orifices before she starts playing with other kids.

It has been a wild and crazy two years and I'm excited yet terrified to see what else time brings. Happy birthday Captain Destructo! I love you and am so proud of you!

Toddler Dictionary

Captain Destructo is about to turn 2, and has accrued quite a vocabulary over the past 2 years. Here are some her many words and translations.

Shooker, Melmo, and Bee Bird (n): 3 characters on the popular children's TV series Sesame Street. One is blue and occasionally dresses as a superhero, one is red and furry, and one is large, yellow, and a little effeminate.

Keys (n): Dairy product that tops pizza. Most desirable in string form. Also what you yell when someone takes your picture.

Yook (v): What you use your eyes to do. Must be yelled approximately 20,000 times a day, as in "Mama, yook!"

Papple (n): Native fruit of Hawaii. When found in plastic kitchen set form, is oddly green.

Weedabook (v): Processing of sounding out letters and words out loud. Also must be yelled a high number of times a day while shoving a book into Mama's face: "Mama, weedabook!"

Want, too, free (n): How you count toys, books, highway signs, food products, etc. Counting begins with want and ends with "...ten, yeven!"

Moosie (n): The DVD that Mama pops in so she can (a) shower, or (b) check Facebook. Elmo moosies are the most popular.

Holju (v): Command given to Mama when you want to be picked up. Usually yelled, as in "Mama holju!"

No: Most important word in all vocabulary. Used to express feelings about eating, taking a nap, going outside, going inside, taking a bath, and stopping whatever dangerous activity is currently going on.

Wuvoo (v): Phrase to express how you feel about Mama and Daddy. High on the list of my favorite words, especially when followed by a big slobbery kiss.

Prenatal Lies

I'm nearing the home stretch of this pregnancy now, a fact that excites and terrifies me. In about 7 weeks I'll have another baby, but I'll also have ANOTHER BABY. In some ways it's good because I know what to expect, but also I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. Know what I mean? Instead of that blissful ignorance that came with the first one, I know what I'm getting into. But I digress. I've realized over these 2 pregnancies that many things the pregnancy books have told me are big fat lies. Here are some such lies.

Lie #1: Your hair will get thick and lustrous.
Ok, I will concede that it's possible my hair is thicker and more lustrous. It's just in a scrappy ponytail most times so I haven't noticed. But I definitely do not look like a Pantene commercial.

Lie #2: Your skin will be glowing.
Let's define "glowing," shall we? If "glowing" means covered in more pimples than a high school band, then sure, I'm glowing. Somehow I pictured "glowing" to be a little more glamorous then I currently am. For the record? The Proactiv commercial makers are a bunch of liars too. As are the makers of most acne products who claim that their product actually eliminates acne.

Lie #3: Exercising will keep your weight gain to the recommended 25-30 pounds
I have sacrificed my dignity this pregnancy and continued to go to the gym most days. I am still taking kickboxing, spin classes and a class called Total Conditioning which involves plyometrics, weight lifting and cardio. I will give you a minute to picture how graceful a 8 1/2 month pregnant woman looks in these classes. This is a stark contrast to my first pregnancy, where walking to the refrigerator was most of my cardio. And yet? I'm on track to gain the same amount of weight. What's up with that, metabolism?

Lie #4: You only need an extra 200 calories a day
Maybe YOU only need an extra 200 calories a day, skinny woman who writes What to Expect, but I'm freaking starving over here. I am dreaming about french fries and hamburgers. I finish lunch and start thinking about dinner immediately. What can I say? Maybe my baby is a future Michael Phelps and is carbo-loading in utero.

Seven weeks to go. I can only imagine what other lies I'll learn about...I do still have labor to go through. Until then, if anyone needs me, I'll be eating my second dinner and reapplying the Clearasil.

New Year's Resolutions for My Kids

Every year, I make the same stupid New Year's resolutions. It's always to be more organized and, depending on the year, it's also to lose 10 lbs. I shudder to think how many pounds I'll need to lose next year, but I'm trying not to think of it as I shove leftover Christmas candy in my mouth. This year, since I am due in March and have no idea what to expect, I thought I'd make resolutions for my kids.

Captain Destructo
Ah, Captain Destructo. Given her nickname for her uncanny ability to destroy the most sturdy objects, she is as curious as she is overactive. Here are some resolutions for her.
1. Stop eating non-food items.
For the love of all that's holy, when does this phase end? I've been trying to introduce Play Doh for about the last 6 months straight, and everytime I do, she picks up a big hunk and swallows it before I can grab it (interestingly, the label of Play Doh only says "contains wheat" so I don't feel too horrible about her eating it). The non food items she has eaten lately include (but are not limited to) crayons, dirt, a leaf, the top of a marker, and a corner of a book. Everytime I think she's done with eating crayons I find one in her diaper. Which brings me to my next point....

2. Use the potty
I have purchased 2 potties, 2 potty books, an Elmo potty video, and an Elmo who goes to the bathroom on a tiny potty. I am sick of talking about pee pee and poo poo. We had a good few months where she went once a day on the potty, but since then it's been her saying she wants to sit on the potty, me removing her clothes and then chasing her around the house bottomless until she inevitably pees on the carpet. It's awesome. I would like to only have one at a time in diapers, but I can feel that dream slipping away.

3.Not kill your new baby sibling
I've seen the way Captain Destructo plays with the baby dolls in the childcare at the gym. Think Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Coupled with her overzealous rocking of our baby swing and her oh-so-gentle "hugs" for her daddy and I, I think New Baby's in for a rough ride around his/her sister.


New Baby
New Baby is due in March and I am becoming increasingly terrified about his/her arrival by the minute. I love babies...you know, once they can smile and sleep for more than 30 seconds at a time. Plus Captain Destructo was a really good baby so I feel like there's no way I can get that lucky twice, so I'm convinced this one will be really colicky and fussy. But I digress. Here are New Baby's resolutions.

1. Sleep. A lot.
So I've heard of these alleged newborns who sleep for like 6 hours at a stretch, but I always likened them to the Loch Ness Monster or a Chupacabra. Fun story, but not real. But a friend who I trust said her baby did it, so I'm hoping New Baby is an awesome sleeper. I remember the early days with Captain D. when I "slept" on the couch in 15 minute increments and dreamed about my bed. Not psyched for that again.

2. To not have colic
I'm not going to lie. I'm completely terrified of having an insanely active toddler and a colicky newborn. I know many moms deal with far worse and I should be grateful enough if the baby's healthy (and I will be), but still. Please, New Baby, have an awesome digestive system.

I really am excited for 2011. Watching Captain Destructo turn into a little girl and feeling the baby growing inside of me have made for a wonderful 2010 and I can't wait to see what next year holds.

That is, when I'm not scared to death.

Black Friday: A Cautionary Tale

Note: I do realize Black Friday was over a month ago, but I kept forgetting to write this. Whaddaryagonnado.


This year, I decided I would go Black Friday shopping for the very first time. Not for the extra special deals, not for the first dibs at hot new stuff, but simply to go shopping ALL BY MYSELF without having to get a babysitter.

I learned something important about Black Friday shoppers.

You're all freaking nuts.

When I pulled into the Target parking lot at 5AM to the most jam packed lot I had ever seen, I convinced myself that it wouldn't be that bad. Surely not all of those cars could be going to Target, right? There was an Office Max next door....maybe everyone was after shredders and printers. I lumbered out of the car and waddled to the door, where I discovered that I was gravely wrong. There were roughly 8.3 million people crammed into the store. Most were wandering around the front of the store looking for a cart (or a buggy, for those of you native Southerners). I realized it was a mistake to bypass the shopping carts in the parking lot in hopes of getting inside faster. After milling around trying to get a cart for awhile, I snagged one from some unsuspecting lady and was on my way.

Now, what to get? I knew The Hubby would want some DVDs for his stocking so I headed to the electronics section. Let's try to squeeze my huge belly and empty cart down the first aisle....nope, too many people there. How about here...wow, even more people here. Last aisle...OK, I'll go to Best Buy later. Forget electronics. On to the toy section for Captain Destructo.

20 minutes later, after maneuvering around people searching like vultures for discounted TVs, chairs and washcloths (washcloths, really people? They're like $2 at Wal-Mart. Is it worth waking up at 4:00 for washcloths?), I made it to the toy section, where I quickly found an open aisle and parked my cart. This is probably a Black Friday faux pas, but I was so tired I didn't care. It took me about 30 seconds to grab the junk, I mean toys, I had scoped out earlier and I headed for the checkout.

I pushed my cart up to a group of people in the middle of the store. I looked around them to discover that they were the end of the line. Super. I rested on my cart and started checking Facebook on my phone while waiting (surprisingly, not a lot of people on Facebook at 5AM). A few minutes later, I started feeling a little....iffy. It occured to me that I hadn't eaten anything before leaving the house. Apparently Pregnant Me finds this to be a very, very big deal. I started feeling dizzy and really hot. Great, I thought. Now I am going to pass out in Target and won't even get to buy all this crap I woke up to get. There was nowhere to sit, so I kind of squatted near the floor for a few minutes until I felt better. When I stood up, I immediately felt sick again, so I had to repeat the squatting/move forward about 1/4 and inch for the next HOUR until I reached the checkout. The women behind me asked if I was okay, and I told them to drag me to the checkout if I passed out and put my stuff on the belt. I was completely serious.

Finally I was able to pay for my stuff and stumble out of the store. My reward? A $10 Target gift card.

Next year, I'll be shopping online.

Things Never to Say to a Pregnant Woman

I've read about a million of these kind of stories, and I'm happy to report that so far, no one has asked me how much weight I've gained (do people really ask that? Who does that?), if I'm sure I'm not having twins, or whether or not I'm going to breastfeed. However, I have accrued quite a few little gems over the past few weeks that I'd like to share. Public service announcement: don't say anything of the following either:

1. "We think there's something wrong with your placenta, so you should be extra vigilant about the baby's movements."
Not sure if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm a little paranoid during pregnancy. So much so that my husband volunteered to give himself a vasectomy today so he didn't have to hear me worry anymore. So when my doctor said the above statement, I. Freaked. Out. Today, I didn't feel movements for a few hours, so, in hysterical tears, called my OB and went for a non-stress test. Not sure how "non-stressful" the test was, as I had my almost 2 year old with me and had to keep jumping up to keep her from eating the ultrasound gel.
By the way? Baby moved a million times as soon as I got to the doctor's office. Good times.

2. "Yucky." (pointing to a zit on my chin)
Well, darling, Mommy is covered in pimples at the moments because her hormones apparently hate being pregnant and so make her as unattractive as possible, so as to prevent Daddy from ever putting her in this predicament again. Do me a solid and don't point out my stretch marks or cankles. Since you are (a) one and (b) adorable, I will cut you some slack. However.....


3. "Honey, did you remember to pack your Proactiv?"

...when asked by your father is less cute.
Yes, dear, I did. However, you may be disappointed to learn that not only did it not clear up my acne, but it didn't give me boobs like the spokespeople either (thanks, Katy Perry).

4. I got this comment today in response to this post:
I don't know what you're talking about. I have a child, he's two and a half, and I look the same as I did before I had him! Actually, a little better because my breasts are bigger. They look great against my petite frame. My stomache is still tight as ever, no stretch marks, everything is the same! And I take care of myself well. I look good :)

Everything doesn't go to crap after motherhood. Don't use that as an excuse.
I know tons of beautiful mothers of multiple children that look astounding.
You let yourself go.


Wow. (insert slow, sarcastic clapping)
I've composed a reply many, many times in my head, but instead I will just applaud you, random stranger who posts nasty comments, for being such an awesome role model and benchmark for us lazy, no-good moms whose breasts are smaller and thighs are bigger. I hope one day we too can acquire your rockin' bod. And hopefully your manners and sense of humility as well. Thank you for your insight and inspiration.

5. "You shouldn't do those jumping jacks unless you want your baby to come sliding out/ Don't have your baby in spin class"
While I appreciate the concern of my fellow gym goers, rest assured that I have no intention of giving birth in the gym in any class. Also, contrary to what you may have heard, jumping jacks do not cause your baby to come sliding out. Though I wish they did...I'd be jumping jacking up a storm in about 11 weeks.

As my belly gets fatter, my patience seems to get thinner. I wish it was the other way around.

Traveling Thanks

We just got back from a 10 day jaunt to see family on the East Coast. Other than being absolutely freezing cold, we had a great time and I have the following people to thank.

THANK YOU flight attendant on our 3 hour flight who handed us a pair of headphones while Captain Destructo was watching a DVD and informing us that she was too loud ("it's late and people are trying to sleep."). Really, buddy?! First of all, I'm sitting next to her and can't even hear it. Secondly, I can't get her to keep a cookie in her mouth while Elmo is on. You think she'll keep headphones in her ears? Good luck with that one. Also, I missed the "silent flight after 7:30" rule when I bought my ticket. Interesting. Lastly, you think the ridiculously quiet Elmo movie is disruptive? Turn it off and see what happens. I think you'll love her new "fire alarm" wail.

THANK YOU to the couple in front of us who chose to (a) make out the entire flight, and (b) recline their seats allllll the way back. When I got on the plane, I thought, "what's missing here? I wish a had a random stranger's head in my lap on top of the giant belly and overactive toddler." Although, sir, your wife/girlfriend/escort's bouffant hairdo was super fun to keep Captain Destructo from putting her hands in. So thanks for that also.

THANK YOU to my unborn child, for somehow communicating with your big sister and deciding to do the cha-cha-slide on my lungs everytime she jumped on me. It made for some totally awesome panic attacks when I couldn't breathe and had to practically throw her to your daddy.

THANK YOU to the manufacturers of Pampers who choose to put "lasts up to 12 hours" on the box. You should really say "lasts until it's time to get on the plane and then leaks all over your child's pants and your shirt." Also consider adding "and then your child will poop right before takeoff, force you to attempt to change her in an airplane bathroom which somehow results in getting poo on her clean pants." I enjoyed to Sophie's Choice moment when I got to decide which bodily function I allowed her to travel in for 6 hours. (I went with #1 in case you wondered.)

Finally, THANK YOU to my husband for real for being awesome and letting Captain Destructo (a) sleep on you, (b) jump on your belly and (c) watch 3 hours of Elmo on your lap. XOXO